coaca space

Sunday, September 2, 2018

as i bring to you my latest project, these stupid lyrics by shania twain keep popping in my head: "i gol' darn gone and done it."  i hate that song so much.  but, i gol' darn gone and did something.

i started a meditation blog-podcast.  it's nothing stunning like - "wow, i can see you depleted your entire 401k to get this endeavor going!"  it's more like, "oh, i can see you have 45 minutes of spare time a day a week when your girls are both napping, and you're all caught up on work, and you want to bring a voice to one of your passions to connect more with your neighbors and friends."  yep, that's exactly it.

here you go:

there are four posts so far!  read all of them and comment so i know you're around, since you probably have more spare time than me, and i'd like to demand all of it.

onward and upward,

here I am.

Saturday, August 25, 2018

Well, now that summer is nearly in the rearview ... HERE I AM!

I haven't used my laptop in a couple days.  When I located my power chord, the tip of it was covered in hummus.  Which for a moment, I thought could be earwax.  But who has THAT much earwax.  Especially someone who has only been alive for 21 months, who is the only person in this household with the combined mobility and mischievousness to drag my power chord through a tub of hummus.

And just now, after cleaning up said hummus and then plopping down on the couch with my laptop, my knee squished right into a used wadded juicy diaper.

This is my life.

It's such a good life that my equilibrium state for life right now is far too happy that it actually makes me sad.  Because I can't freeze time to be just this for the next 20 years.  By then, I won't have hummus on my electronics or people's secretions wadded up on my couch.  Well, maybe.  My kids will be college age by then, and I dare say with college students... the previous sentence could still apply.

I just want everything to stay as it is for much longer.  Julia's crinkled up nose when she smiles - she smiles nonstop.  Her tiny snorts when she giggles.  Charlotte's way of saying "Daddy Ryan."  And telling me her stuffed animals are thirsty when she is thirsty.  Or how she adds five extra syllables to "belly button" and giggles every time she says the word.  I die.  All of it makes me feel like my insides of floating.

Anyway, I came here to this mildly dusty blog to just say how I am doing.  And who I am these days.  Because who I am seems to shift, though fundamentally, stay the same.  Ugh, wait.  I hate vague contradictions in writing.  People trying to be so poetic in their paradoxes - "everything is always changing, yet everything is still the same" - makes my ears bleed.  So then, what exactly are you trying to say, because I got an ear full of fluff that's actually meaningless.  Anyway, opinions.  I take back my paradoxical, poetic sentence.

I feel settled in a different radial place of myself.  We are all layered, aren't we?  Something like human kaleidescopes with altering elements of ourselves becoming more present or receding back. Basically, we all have a loose version of split personalities.  I hope I offend no one who has that actual disorder.

In my short biography, it used to read: "Runner and Traveler."  That was true.  Footprints of me dotting many landscapes.  Now my short bio reads:  "Reader and Meditator."  That says - one bumprint, one location.  I've said this before, but motherhood really did shrink my radius.  Life is less about pushing forward, as it once was for me, and now, it's about staying grounded right here in this home.  Basically, it's about trying to stay home as much as possible.

As for how I've been lately?  really content.  And feeling really confident and settled within myself.  Which drives my ability to be clearly assertive and also hugely compassionate.  This summer was a bit of a crapshoot for me.  Not all bad.  But some really terrible lows.  Nothing to revisit or process, just to pointedly declare that I'm out of the woods, and let's all proceed on.  I do feel all the better for it, however.  And I'm not one of those people that exits a trial and says "I'm so grateful that happened."  Actually, I'm not one of those people at all.  Rather, I'd bravely stand over a pulpit and preach "that was hard as h***, and I could have made it by without that tumultuous path.  I do not believe God destined me there so I'd 'learn' something.  That's not how He works.  But regardless, I went, I saw, and I conquered.  Here's what I learned.  And yes, God was definitely by my side the whole time."

And what I learned after this summer is... swearing sometimes helped.  And second, I grew more into the eyes by which God sees me.  He really knows me in incredible ways that I haven't understood, or I've just had periods of time with really tiny eyesight.  Right now, I have big eyes towards myself.  aww, self hugs.  Oh, speaking of, the third thing I learned - the power of self hugs.  Let your hands grip the opposite arms.  Then repeatedly say, "I am here in this with you.  I'm staying here with you.  I love you."  Does wonders for resiliency.

I told my friend this evening, as we chased Charlie around a park, that I feel a really non-resistant happiness.  I don't have to do much of anything to just feel bliss.  Each time I reach this equilibrium of joy that feels too good that it almost feels nostalgically sad (oh no - is this a poetic contradiction?), I have a stronger desire to find a space that I can push outward to connect with people and really help and heal.  Because, frankly, the lows I've surmounted keep sending me messages that I can offer safety that others are seeking.  Working on some side projects.  Getting my ideas out soon enough.  Anyway, my sentences are losing pronouns because I'm getting tired.  And yet, so awake.     (see what I mean?  ANNOYING).

Anyway, you guessed it - I need a book and a meditation right now.

Bye ya'll.  We may be far away, but we are never really apart.  (I can't stop.  I'm making my own ears bleed).

Onward and upward,


sister stories

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

After a sandy excursion at the reservoir near our home today, a colossal amount of sand found its way from the lake, to the crevices of my children's diapers, shoes, and leg rolls, and was then dumped all over my living room floor.

So after the girls were groomed to a level of my satisfaction, I retrieved the vacuum from the front hall closet.

I went about my business plugging in the vacuum and cleaning the entryway.  Then I turned back towards the living room and saw that Big Sister had laid down right next to Little Sister and was reading her a book.

I powered down the vacuum and inched closer to enjoy the story as well.  Charlie was jabbering away and would roll to her side so she could lay the book down and turn the page.  Then she'd roll back over and hold the book up so Julia could see the next page.

My mama heart was a big gooey mess.

Charlie stood up to retrieve another book.  In her efforts to plop down close to Julia once again, I watched as half of Charlie's bum landed on half of Julia's face.  Then smeared slowly down, stretching Julia's cheek like puddy, until her bum finally reached ground

And then reading time resumed.

Onward and upward,

Just a small tangent

I've been in a cleaning out phase lately.  Excessively.

My husband should not be surprised if he comes home one evening to a house with no items remaining, the babies stripped down to diapers, and we are eating with our fingers off the floor.

Actually, my cleaning out is not that bad.

And really, two out of those three things are true anyways.

Recently, I decided to sell an old bottle of perfume.  Juicy Couture.  Doesn't that sound fancy?  Yeah, well, it is.  Too fancy for my liking in fact.  The scent immediately makes me think of a woman with a thick black fringe, a bob cut, big round sunglasses, and a furry dead raccoon around her neck.

And let me paint you a stark comparison.  I'm a greasy-haired, ponytail, no makeup, young mother who eats food off the floor, as previously noted.  So, I am in no way personified with the way this smell smells.  An appropriate perfume is already delicately made for me from my own bosoms, sucked into the mouth of a little babe, and then regurgitated onto my neck.  It's eco friendly.

So anyway, I posted the aforementioned perfume onto the Facebook Marketplace.  Which is my way of shopping - take my crap, and I'll take yours.

Anyway, I had quite a bit of interest right off the bat.  I'd like to share with you my exchange with one particular buyer.  We will call her Anna.

Anna:  Is this available?

C:  Yes.  Though I have other interest, so whoever is able to pick up first.

Anna:  I'd love to purchase it ASAP.

Anna:  I have the money in my bank account.

Anna:  How far away is [... the city where I live ...]

C:  About 35 minutes.

Anna:  That's not as far as I thought.

Anna:  That's cool.

Anna:  What religion are you?



C:  I'm Mormon.

Anna: On Dec 28, 1998, I was in a car accident and car accident and spent 6 wk's in a comma and met the savior and he told me the church was true and gave me the choice to stay with him or finish my test.  [I'm preserving the exact text in the messages]

C:  Wow, what a beautiful experience.  I bet that has blessed your life and others' lives in many ways.

Anna:  It's changed my life completely,  I went from dancing, acting and was in one magazine to front row parking for life is awesome lol.

Anna:  I love everyone and have a much better look in life.

C:  That's amazing.



C:  Were you still interested in buying the perfume?

Anna:  Yes.

Ya know, just a small tangent.  Sharing some day-to-day stories.

Our buyer friend did not follow through on her interest.  But speaking of fur wrapped around ones neck, I do believe I found another someone that may be interested in the high-end scent:

Nevermind that it was over 100 degrees outside, our sweet Charlie wanted her fleece blanket scarf on our walk.

Onward and upward,

Joy in the Wind
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